Wednesday, 24 February 2010

24th February

Hey lovelies :) How are we all doing? Well I hope. I am too actually, the last few days I have been getting better and better (small steps but still, every little helps right?). I have been managing my eats as well. Basically, a couple of days ago, my mum and I (mainly my mum) decided that I should up my cals from 1500 to 1700 because I was losing weight on 1500 ( she had no basis for this, just a"feeling"). Initially obviously I refused because saw no reason for it, but this lead my mum to start shouting, saying how I obviously didn't want to gain weight, that I was going to be stuck like this, go back to hospital etc etc. Well that just made me feel like utter crap , thanks mum. I tried to explain to her, but she doesn't understand that theres a difference between wanting to get better and put on weight in a controlled manner and being able to say "Yeah, now i'm going to eat 3000 cals a day" coz then I know i'll just put weight on really fast and relapse immediatly. Which wouldn't help anyone, at all. It's weird to think how little she understands, I mean, I don't fully understand but she's just clueless, yet to me it makes perfect sense. How odd.

So yeah the gist of it is now im on 1700, and for the past few day's its not been too bad. I just added in more for my snacks so its not like I feel i'm eating loads. I'm also managing to meet my carb and fat targets for the days (these are good targets set by me to make sure i'm getting enough of each) so I know i'm eating the right foods. The urges to cheat are also dissapearing, if somewhat slowing. For example, in the past few days, when my mum has left me alone with a meal for a few minutes, I have immediatly thrown as much as I can down the waste disposal. I've actually sat there and thought, why would I do that? It's a lose-lose situation. As I see it, by doing that I a) Don't get to eat the food (BIG negative lol), b) Lose more weight and end up back in hospital and c) Mess up my metabolism even more then its already been messed up. So I just carried on eating, and I was so proud. It made me think how I may have actually turned a corner, just a week ago all of my food would've been in the bin, but now, not a chance. :)

School hasn't been too bad, I mean its school so its never gonna be great, but it's defo been worse. People are being nice and I have a school trip of Friday to go to London so wooo, no lessons :) And I love english (its an english trip). Oo but there is a new girl 2 years below me with anorexia. She has to eat with the nurse in teh room next to me and my mate, nursie wanted to put us in together, but I was a bit like :S. Coz i really don't wanna be around someone who might trigger me when i'm literally JUST starting to feel a bit safer around food again. ho hum, I guess we'll have to see how things pan out. I have doctors tomorrow, and I get my weight done. I think it's gonna be stressful, I know I will have gained, possible as much as like 1kg, which doesn't seem like that much but actually I really dunno how ima react to it :-\. Also, I a bit worried coz we are having a big meeting tomorrow, which I THINK means they have applied for me to go back into IP. Well I refuse, I'm not joking, I damn well refuse to go back and miss a year of school. I can do this at home. I will. They can't make me go as I'm pretty sure they haven't got grounds to section me anymore so haha. Sucks to be them.

Anyway, I'm a bit tired actually, it's only 11.00pm but I havent slept well the past few nights :( any ideas? I dunno what it is, i'm usually quite a good sleeper but past few days I dunno. I think somethings been worrying me but I can't remamber what it is. Do you ever get that lol? And it's really late for me going to bed at this time coz my mum was out food shoppinf for the dinner party she's hosting on Friday and didn't get back till late, so dinner was late, and nw i'm tired :( Not great lol.)
Todays eaties:

For breakfast I had me some Good old fashioned oats :) with soya milk, blueberries, coconut flakes, a warm glob of almond butter and another of chocolate spread. So so so good and so satisfying :). Also had some cottage cheese and jelly (jello) on the side.

Lunch was a chicken and melted cheese sandwich of wholemeal bread, some blueberries and cottage cheese and jelly. Not forgetting the all important bell pepper and salad :) (soz forgot to take a pic)

Dinner was exactly the same as I had last night (haha I was too lazy to think of anything else to have). Twas, Prawns with lemon juice, chicken ( I have chicken at like every meal lol), a small piece of cod and a veggie burger, with a bell pepper, cucumber and broccoli :) Love it... and it's pretty healthy as well. It's got carbs, fat, veg and protein. Done and done.

Well thanks for reading guys. Hope I didn't bore you too much. Feel free to comment of whatever :) Ooo.. scrambled eggs tomorrow I think, and toast with jam. Yum yum.
Right, time for bed now. Night night. xoxo

1 comment:

  1. Increasing your intake in a controlled way is absolutely fine as long as you get there in the end ;) I almost got stuck at a quite low calorie intake because I was increasing so slowly, it was giving my anorexia too much room to breathe. I didn't gain any weight at all until I got to 2500. It was a big shock, because we all think we are different, have slow metabolisms, that everyone in recovery who gains on a lot of calories is just lucky, etc. Anyway it's great that you want to recover :) anorexia is a pain in the butt of an illness, it can trap people for decades. I always tell myself that as long as I keep going forwards, however slowly, I will get where I want to be in the end. You're doing a great job, keep going :)