Sunday, 21 February 2010

Is that really me?

Well, I guess I should probably start off by explaining what happened when I went to see my N on Wednesday. It sucked, to say the least. She wanted to put me on a meal plan which she had no idea of the calories of and she was just like "erm.. It's about 1500, but by the time you've added all your nut butters etc it'll be more". Waaa? She actually expected me to be able to add things to a meal plan that weren't in it ? Excuse me, but isn't that just a tinsy winsy bit far fetched? So yeah, bascially it ended with me being being allowed to go back to my 1500 cal meal plan, problem is, yes I would like a meal plan so I don't have to be so strict on calories, but I really can't manage one that has like 4 things on it (no jokes, for the carbs exchange there were like 5 exchanges - what do they expect me to eat? ) and defo not one that isn't even planned for me. Ga, anyway, I could sorta see her point, I had lost weight. I knew I was going to but I didn't think it would be that much. I lost 1.4kg (about 3lbs) which I will agree is a lot. And actually I know its not right, a bmi of 15 just isn't healthy and I know I have to gain.

So since then i've actually done a bit better. I'm trying to overcome my fear of carbs and I think i'm doing pretty well. I met my target today, the same with fats actually - which I feel is a huge step forward and is really going to help me. I sick of all this counting, it's taking over my life (hence the need for a more structured meal plan). Ho hum, well I had a bit of a revelation today actually. I took a pic of myself in the mirror in my underwear and i looked at it and felt disgusted. For the first time in ages I didn't see a fat pig, I saw a very sick girl, whose bones stick out and who looks skeletal. I spent 20 minutes looking at it and trying to work out how that could be me. How my ribs could be the ones in the photo and how my shoulder blades could look so sharp :( Gosh it was horrible. But it made me want to change, oh so much and food was conseqencially a lot easier today. Unfortunatly I am not very well, I have an awful cold and a really soar throat and can't taste AT ALL! Arghh... it's so frustrating coz it's like, i'm not even getting the enjoyment out of the food. *pout*.  BUT... I did have oatmeal for breakfast, which I haven't for ages coz i've been too scared of the carbs. So big step forward I think :)

Anyway, I think I should probably go now. I have school tomorrow :( How annoying. Oh well, but I need my sleep, and I have yet to read todays blogs so au revoir and I leave you with some yummy eats from the past few days :

Such a good snacky :P - Prawns with some home made cocktail sauce.

Lunchtimee : Chicken sandwich with cucumber, mustard and alfalfa sprouts. 

Night night lovelies :) 
Maria xoxo

1 comment:

  1. Well done for meeting your target and for the oatmeal :) yay Maria! It's great that you could see yourself as you really are at this weight as well, that happened to me sometimes when I was ill and it was always a bit weird. Hang on to anything you can find to motivate yourself to stay in recovery. It's scary but it's worth it ;) I hope you feel better soon too
    Katie <3