Saturday, 27 February 2010

Brunch, But not really

Hey lovlies :)
How are we all on this fine day ? I am good (as you can probably tell from the pleasantry lol). I've had a really pretty fabby day and am very proud of myself because I think I handled quite a difficult situation very well. Basically, what happened is last night I was staying at my dads, which was fun. But that means one thing. LIE IN ! Wooo. It was great, I got to lie in till like 11, but then I found the soya milk was off :O and so had to run to the store to get some more. Not too bad, solved that one, BUT it meant I was eating my breakfast at 12 (again, not that bad - done this before). Well, anyway, then my dad dropped me off at my mums which I was met with the announcement that we were all having an early lunch and dinner and then watching a film. Has teh penny dropped yet? Yes, thats right, less than an hour after finishing my breakfast (and I was absolutaly stuffed as I normally am for the following few hours - eugh, the side effects of starvation) I was informed that I HAD to have my lunch because everyone was going out so there would be no one to supervise me.

This, as i'm sure you can probably imagine upset me hugely. I'm not actually sure why, I think it was more to do with the huge gap between my lunch and dinner which was the most annoying thing but I really can't be sure. Anyway, instead of doing what I normally do and going to sit in my room and cry I sat down and wrote out what I was going to have for tea and had it. No fuss (well not much). And it was horrible, and when I went to meet my friend later I felt disgusting a bloated but hey! I did it, I ate 2 meals in the space of an hour and I got on with it. I was quite proud actually :) Oh and I forgot to mention breakfast. This was a challenge because I was at my dad's so, obviously, (even though I BOUGHT HIM A BLOODY PAIR OF SCALES) none of my meals were checked. I weighed them out and asked him to watch, but he just refused and said he was watching tv and I could do it myself. Normally, ED would've lept at this opportunity. But actually, today, I took control and silenced that stupid voice. I measured everything right, and it was all perfect and I didn't even feel guilty. Because I've realised that I DON'T have a choice. If there was a choice no one would eat. The choice isn't between eating and not eating, its between eating and dying, because thats what'll happen (well actually i'll end up in hospital again but you catch my drift). So yeah, a good day :)

Apart from that, nothing's really happened. I've had some yummy eats (ofc) and lots of jelly, haha i'm such a child. But apart from that it's been pretty boring. So I guess I should probs post the eaties :) Breakfasts have been good, two of my fave:

A yummy breakfast of Scrambled eggs, toast with jam and almond butter, cottage cheese and blackberries :)

Oatts :) (obvs added more soya milk ontop afterwards teehee) - Old fashioned oats cooked with soya milk, blackberries, blueberries, coconut flakes and a tsp each of almond butter and choco spread. Delish :)
On to some dinners, my lunches look pretty boring, don't think i've got any picks soz. 
My first Amy's meal. I was pretty impressed, I had the Black bean enchilada's, and I served it with my usual array of Broccoli, bell peppers, prawns and Chicken. 

At my dad's house I had me some Fish Pie, and I served it with the same extras as above :)

Dinner tonight was another fave of mine. So so good, gotta love Baked beans with melty cheese :) yum yum yum, had it with a sesame burger, and the same as above. 

Thank's for reading guys. Soz about the long post lol. I guess I had a lot to say for such a dull person :) 
Better get some shut eye now. I;m getting up earlier tomorrow to avoid the fail at meal timings of today. 
Night night xoxo

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

24th February

Hey lovelies :) How are we all doing? Well I hope. I am too actually, the last few days I have been getting better and better (small steps but still, every little helps right?). I have been managing my eats as well. Basically, a couple of days ago, my mum and I (mainly my mum) decided that I should up my cals from 1500 to 1700 because I was losing weight on 1500 ( she had no basis for this, just a"feeling"). Initially obviously I refused because saw no reason for it, but this lead my mum to start shouting, saying how I obviously didn't want to gain weight, that I was going to be stuck like this, go back to hospital etc etc. Well that just made me feel like utter crap , thanks mum. I tried to explain to her, but she doesn't understand that theres a difference between wanting to get better and put on weight in a controlled manner and being able to say "Yeah, now i'm going to eat 3000 cals a day" coz then I know i'll just put weight on really fast and relapse immediatly. Which wouldn't help anyone, at all. It's weird to think how little she understands, I mean, I don't fully understand but she's just clueless, yet to me it makes perfect sense. How odd.

So yeah the gist of it is now im on 1700, and for the past few day's its not been too bad. I just added in more for my snacks so its not like I feel i'm eating loads. I'm also managing to meet my carb and fat targets for the days (these are good targets set by me to make sure i'm getting enough of each) so I know i'm eating the right foods. The urges to cheat are also dissapearing, if somewhat slowing. For example, in the past few days, when my mum has left me alone with a meal for a few minutes, I have immediatly thrown as much as I can down the waste disposal. I've actually sat there and thought, why would I do that? It's a lose-lose situation. As I see it, by doing that I a) Don't get to eat the food (BIG negative lol), b) Lose more weight and end up back in hospital and c) Mess up my metabolism even more then its already been messed up. So I just carried on eating, and I was so proud. It made me think how I may have actually turned a corner, just a week ago all of my food would've been in the bin, but now, not a chance. :)

School hasn't been too bad, I mean its school so its never gonna be great, but it's defo been worse. People are being nice and I have a school trip of Friday to go to London so wooo, no lessons :) And I love english (its an english trip). Oo but there is a new girl 2 years below me with anorexia. She has to eat with the nurse in teh room next to me and my mate, nursie wanted to put us in together, but I was a bit like :S. Coz i really don't wanna be around someone who might trigger me when i'm literally JUST starting to feel a bit safer around food again. ho hum, I guess we'll have to see how things pan out. I have doctors tomorrow, and I get my weight done. I think it's gonna be stressful, I know I will have gained, possible as much as like 1kg, which doesn't seem like that much but actually I really dunno how ima react to it :-\. Also, I a bit worried coz we are having a big meeting tomorrow, which I THINK means they have applied for me to go back into IP. Well I refuse, I'm not joking, I damn well refuse to go back and miss a year of school. I can do this at home. I will. They can't make me go as I'm pretty sure they haven't got grounds to section me anymore so haha. Sucks to be them.

Anyway, I'm a bit tired actually, it's only 11.00pm but I havent slept well the past few nights :( any ideas? I dunno what it is, i'm usually quite a good sleeper but past few days I dunno. I think somethings been worrying me but I can't remamber what it is. Do you ever get that lol? And it's really late for me going to bed at this time coz my mum was out food shoppinf for the dinner party she's hosting on Friday and didn't get back till late, so dinner was late, and nw i'm tired :( Not great lol.)
Todays eaties:

For breakfast I had me some Good old fashioned oats :) with soya milk, blueberries, coconut flakes, a warm glob of almond butter and another of chocolate spread. So so so good and so satisfying :). Also had some cottage cheese and jelly (jello) on the side.

Lunch was a chicken and melted cheese sandwich of wholemeal bread, some blueberries and cottage cheese and jelly. Not forgetting the all important bell pepper and salad :) (soz forgot to take a pic)

Dinner was exactly the same as I had last night (haha I was too lazy to think of anything else to have). Twas, Prawns with lemon juice, chicken ( I have chicken at like every meal lol), a small piece of cod and a veggie burger, with a bell pepper, cucumber and broccoli :) Love it... and it's pretty healthy as well. It's got carbs, fat, veg and protein. Done and done.

Well thanks for reading guys. Hope I didn't bore you too much. Feel free to comment of whatever :) Ooo.. scrambled eggs tomorrow I think, and toast with jam. Yum yum.
Right, time for bed now. Night night. xoxo

Sunday, 21 February 2010

Is that really me?

Well, I guess I should probably start off by explaining what happened when I went to see my N on Wednesday. It sucked, to say the least. She wanted to put me on a meal plan which she had no idea of the calories of and she was just like "erm.. It's about 1500, but by the time you've added all your nut butters etc it'll be more". Waaa? She actually expected me to be able to add things to a meal plan that weren't in it ? Excuse me, but isn't that just a tinsy winsy bit far fetched? So yeah, bascially it ended with me being being allowed to go back to my 1500 cal meal plan, problem is, yes I would like a meal plan so I don't have to be so strict on calories, but I really can't manage one that has like 4 things on it (no jokes, for the carbs exchange there were like 5 exchanges - what do they expect me to eat? ) and defo not one that isn't even planned for me. Ga, anyway, I could sorta see her point, I had lost weight. I knew I was going to but I didn't think it would be that much. I lost 1.4kg (about 3lbs) which I will agree is a lot. And actually I know its not right, a bmi of 15 just isn't healthy and I know I have to gain.

So since then i've actually done a bit better. I'm trying to overcome my fear of carbs and I think i'm doing pretty well. I met my target today, the same with fats actually - which I feel is a huge step forward and is really going to help me. I sick of all this counting, it's taking over my life (hence the need for a more structured meal plan). Ho hum, well I had a bit of a revelation today actually. I took a pic of myself in the mirror in my underwear and i looked at it and felt disgusted. For the first time in ages I didn't see a fat pig, I saw a very sick girl, whose bones stick out and who looks skeletal. I spent 20 minutes looking at it and trying to work out how that could be me. How my ribs could be the ones in the photo and how my shoulder blades could look so sharp :( Gosh it was horrible. But it made me want to change, oh so much and food was conseqencially a lot easier today. Unfortunatly I am not very well, I have an awful cold and a really soar throat and can't taste AT ALL! Arghh... it's so frustrating coz it's like, i'm not even getting the enjoyment out of the food. *pout*.  BUT... I did have oatmeal for breakfast, which I haven't for ages coz i've been too scared of the carbs. So big step forward I think :)

Anyway, I think I should probably go now. I have school tomorrow :( How annoying. Oh well, but I need my sleep, and I have yet to read todays blogs so au revoir and I leave you with some yummy eats from the past few days :

Such a good snacky :P - Prawns with some home made cocktail sauce.

Lunchtimee : Chicken sandwich with cucumber, mustard and alfalfa sprouts. 

Night night lovelies :) 
Maria xoxo

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

An issue with trust...

Hey lovelies :)
I hope your all doing well... I unfortunately am not. I have a really hard few days, since my last post i've been in tears so many times its stupid. I guess I should just explain, basically as i said in my previous post, i'm staying with my dad right now as my mum is away. I do love him and he is awsome but since being here I have gone backwards by miles and atm I am starting to hate the way he is. He's the sorta person who will just trust, end of... which is a lovely personality trait, but NOT WHEN YOU'VE GOT A F****** ED! I want to slep him sometimes, and I know I can't blame him but it is because of him that this has happened. I got really bad a couple of nights ago, he goes out to work in the morning after eating breakfast with me and then I have lunch with my mates and he's supposed to call them to check. So that night I reminded him and all he said was "Oh the moments past now, I trust you've eaten it". THAT was the turning point. I stormed out and started crying, because up until then I had thought he would check up on me, like check my food diary to make sure I was having my 1600 cals a day (I was having more like 1450 at this point but its better than normal). But I realsied that he wasn't going to do that, that he trusted me to do it myself - even thought everyone has told him not to. Well THANKYOU VERY MUCH, now i'm screwed for my N app tomorrow. 

I don't want that control, I don't want him to trust me. I'm not ready for that, if I'm given the choice my ED will take over, and I can admit that. I HAVE admitted that. So, to this I really tried, I couldn't bring myself to ask for help, because its just too hard. But I did deliberately try and get him to realise, I left my food diary out, I deliberatly did my measurements in front of him. But he just walked away, he couldn't be bothered to even look. He was just like, if you prominse to do it right, I'll leave you. ARGHH why? Why would you say that? That's like the worst thing to say, coz i can't contradict him, ED won't let me, but I don't wanna have that trust. GAAAAAAA. So yeah, the gist of it is, he hasnt checked anything, so my intake has dropped, I don't know how far, I have been too scared to check, but I can't imagine its more than 600 a day. I hate it, I feel so crappy but I just can't do anything. Luckily i think i'll try an explain this to my N tomorrow. Hopefully she'll help. I get weighed aswell. I think i'll have lost. I don't think a lot as it hasn't been that long but i'm really worried. Sorry about this, if its triggering for anyone I just don't know what to do. How can I get him to help, coz I can#t bring myself to ask, it's really such a big step. And I don't think asking'll change anything wither. He'll still just not check and trust that I can do it for myself. Well, I can't, at least I can admit that. Right ?

Some bits have been good though. My mates have been great and they came over for a sleepover last night and we had a porridge fest today :) Cooor it was awesome. Loved it so much, it's great being social again. :) And eating with people, not being the one avoiding food. Wow, it really makes me wanna beat this, i'm so glad i'm seeing my N tomorrow, we have A LOT to talk about. Also, I went to a party and slept there, AND made pancakes, which was fun. Didn't have any lol... but it was fun anyway. I really can't wait until I will be able to just eat without being so worried. I will get there, I know I will. 

Sorry about that rant, I just had to get it off my chest. I'll post tomorrow what my N said and my new plan, but for now I shall leave you with some of my eats from the last few days:

This was sooo good, I bought some marshmallow fluff from the American section at Bentalls... OMG YUM! I had Toast with almond butter, chocolate spread and marshmallow fluff - All grilled up and warm. Had it with some fruit and greek yogurt and scrambled eggs.

Out to lunch with my friends. Got myself a Vietnamese chichen salad from m&s. Pretty scrumptious. :)

This was part of my dinner a couple of nights ago. I got some Shirakiku noodles from the local Korean shop, cooked them up in some Chicken Stock, soy sauce and I added in some chicken and peas.

Me and my friend last night, raving till the early hours. 

And me cooking pancakes after about 2 hours sleep :) haha... a bit dangerous.

Right, im off for some sleep. I'll update you soon.
Night :)
Maria xoxo

Friday, 12 February 2010

Hey guys :)
Hows your last few weeks been. Gosh haven't posed in a while... a lot has happened I guess. I'm not sure, I can't really remember.. but I do know I have come up with lots of lovely foodie creations, lol! Erm.. well, I met with my N last week, got a new one. She was actually really reasonable, which was good. Oh yeah, basically, that week (last wed I think) I had gained 0.5kg (about a pound) in the week. Which is like the only time I've "officially" gained weight at home... BIG STEP! Well, I think she was happy with me but unfortunately I got really freaked and I guess I kinda started to restrict again.. not good :(

I'm not sure exactly coz i'm supervised for most meals, but I know I havent been hitting 1500 a day. I don;t really know what I have been hitting but I'm really worried, coz I maintained this past week but I think that was more to do with the fact that I had eaten lunch this time and I hadn't last time. Arghh, I hate this so much. Seriously, on the way home from school today I just randomly started crying. Basically, I had won this giant jar of sweets in a competition (oh the irony!) and I couldn't eat any of them. I felt so awful and abnormal, I was literally pleading with anorexia to just f*ck off and never come back. I hate this, I hate it, I hate, I hate it.

So yeah, not really a great time recently. Then there's the fact that school has finished for half term, (good for some) but my mum has gone away. Leaving me to stay with my dad. Now, don't me wrong, I love my dad, I really do. He's absolutaly awesome in my eyes, but he is also very trusting - meaning that ED feels it can get away with a lot around him. With my mum it's like no, she'll check and double check everything, I have to eat enough carbs, cals, fat etc at every meal. But with my dad, I really don;t think he'd object if I fixed myself an entire plate of veggies. :S Eugh, not good for me right now. Ho hum, anyways, I've been trying to keep up with the eating in some forms. Like last night I actually had RICE! Rice, yes thats right, a carb - and not just any carb, like my number one feared carb (along with pasta). Allbeit I didn't quite have a whole portion and mixed in loadsa stuff but still, this is big for me... like really big. And tomorrow i'm having choco spread on my toast, thats like unheard of in my world lol, Chocolate, for breakfast? What is this? :)

Just a short(ish) post today, I have been very busy but now it's half term I should be back pretty frequently, so look out for some more posts. Wow, I actually think people wanna know about my life? How sad I am lol. Anyway, I hope you all have a good day(s) and I shall write soon - reveal all about my choco brekky. Yum Yum. But for now I shall leave you with some lovely views of the highlights of my eats for the past weeks :)

This was a Good brekky - Toast with mango, strawberry, blackberries, cottage cheese and Almond Butter.

   Then theres The Rice :) - Mixed in some chicken, feta, peas, scrambled egg and tomato. So so good, pretty damn scary though!!

Tonight's dinner of A corn wrap, stuffed with a crumbled sesame burger. chicken, alfalfa sprouts, and some melted mozzarella. Yummmmy :) - had it with some tuna and mayo

Thanks for reading :) 
Night night 
xoxo Maria

Monday, 1 February 2010

A Light Dusting Of Snow...

Evening Guys :)
Hope you've all had a good day. A short post I think as i'm oh so tired and looking forward to my nice warm bed (oh yes, I've had my hot water bottle warming it up for about 20 minutes). Didn't really do that much today, ate breakfast AND dinner out of my new bowl... and let me tell you, it was awesome! Seriously, I sweat it tasted better, no jokes. Good old winnie the pooh, never fails. Thats my bowl btw -->

Anyway, had school today so had to get up epically early so my mum could supervise breakfast and what not, which was ok (in that I get up pretty strangly early anyway) but my mum was just like "Eugh... God Maria, why do you make me get up so early?" and I was just a bit like, "Well actually... I don't. You just watch me coz thats what my doc said you had to do.". And it just sorta pissed me off y'know. Like, I don't want her to watch my every move so shw could at least not make a big thing outta it ? Argh, I dunno, i'm probs just being silly. 
So yeah, woo it was a year ago today that the major snow days here happened, wow. That doesn't seem like a year, so much has happened but it seems like only yesterday! Not a great year.. but my point was that we had a light dusting of snow this morning whcih was cute coz it was like good old mother nature was letting us know she still remembered last year :)

Didn't do much at school, apart from eat (surprise surprise ^^). But I had my T appointment after, which was quite good. But she can be really unhelpful sometimes... like today we were discussing how much I have to gain and she was like "Well I think you look good now". I was just a bit like WTF? That is so totally NOT HELPFUL IN LIKE EVERY WAY! So now i'm wondering if I really should gain. I mean I thought 15 ish bmi was quite low (not my lowest but still not safe) but apaz I look fine so ... Grr she can really mess me up sometimes. I could just use some reassurances ? Ho hum, that's about it. Apart from my mum making me have one of her gross full fat ready meals for tea. Actually it isn't even that unhealthy and has pretty low-ish fat but still, the principle is all wrong. NO, thats ED talking. Shush up. I CAN eat ready meals and still be healthy (no repeat). haha i'm so odd.

Oh hoho, I almost forgot todays foodies. Well, in that it was pretty cold I thought I'd got for a nice bowl of oats - 

I had Carrot cake oats - same as yesterday lol I really cba to write it all out again (needless to say I'm a bit of a samey person food-wise. I like my "safe" foods and I like my routines) 

For lunch at school I had a Chicken and cucumber sandwich :) followed by some apple pieces with cottage cheese, almond butter and maple syrup. 

Then dinner, the dreaded ready meal. Cottage pie, with some brocolli. (I had more than in the pic but it wouldn't all fit in the bowl :S)

Right, thats my day. Hope you enjoyed reading it. I shall update you on my life tomorrow :) Ooo... and I think i'm going to stray away from oats and have some eggs tomorrow morning. I KNOW.. pretty rad right ? Teehee. Night all. 

Maria <3 xoxo