Tuesday, 16 February 2010

An issue with trust...

Hey lovelies :)
I hope your all doing well... I unfortunately am not. I have a really hard few days, since my last post i've been in tears so many times its stupid. I guess I should just explain, basically as i said in my previous post, i'm staying with my dad right now as my mum is away. I do love him and he is awsome but since being here I have gone backwards by miles and atm I am starting to hate the way he is. He's the sorta person who will just trust, end of... which is a lovely personality trait, but NOT WHEN YOU'VE GOT A F****** ED! I want to slep him sometimes, and I know I can't blame him but it is because of him that this has happened. I got really bad a couple of nights ago, he goes out to work in the morning after eating breakfast with me and then I have lunch with my mates and he's supposed to call them to check. So that night I reminded him and all he said was "Oh the moments past now, I trust you've eaten it". THAT was the turning point. I stormed out and started crying, because up until then I had thought he would check up on me, like check my food diary to make sure I was having my 1600 cals a day (I was having more like 1450 at this point but its better than normal). But I realsied that he wasn't going to do that, that he trusted me to do it myself - even thought everyone has told him not to. Well THANKYOU VERY MUCH, now i'm screwed for my N app tomorrow. 

I don't want that control, I don't want him to trust me. I'm not ready for that, if I'm given the choice my ED will take over, and I can admit that. I HAVE admitted that. So, to this I really tried, I couldn't bring myself to ask for help, because its just too hard. But I did deliberately try and get him to realise, I left my food diary out, I deliberatly did my measurements in front of him. But he just walked away, he couldn't be bothered to even look. He was just like, if you prominse to do it right, I'll leave you. ARGHH why? Why would you say that? That's like the worst thing to say, coz i can't contradict him, ED won't let me, but I don't wanna have that trust. GAAAAAAA. So yeah, the gist of it is, he hasnt checked anything, so my intake has dropped, I don't know how far, I have been too scared to check, but I can't imagine its more than 600 a day. I hate it, I feel so crappy but I just can't do anything. Luckily i think i'll try an explain this to my N tomorrow. Hopefully she'll help. I get weighed aswell. I think i'll have lost. I don't think a lot as it hasn't been that long but i'm really worried. Sorry about this, if its triggering for anyone I just don't know what to do. How can I get him to help, coz I can#t bring myself to ask, it's really such a big step. And I don't think asking'll change anything wither. He'll still just not check and trust that I can do it for myself. Well, I can't, at least I can admit that. Right ?

Some bits have been good though. My mates have been great and they came over for a sleepover last night and we had a porridge fest today :) Cooor it was awesome. Loved it so much, it's great being social again. :) And eating with people, not being the one avoiding food. Wow, it really makes me wanna beat this, i'm so glad i'm seeing my N tomorrow, we have A LOT to talk about. Also, I went to a party and slept there, AND made pancakes, which was fun. Didn't have any lol... but it was fun anyway. I really can't wait until I will be able to just eat without being so worried. I will get there, I know I will. 

Sorry about that rant, I just had to get it off my chest. I'll post tomorrow what my N said and my new plan, but for now I shall leave you with some of my eats from the last few days:

This was sooo good, I bought some marshmallow fluff from the American section at Bentalls... OMG YUM! I had Toast with almond butter, chocolate spread and marshmallow fluff - All grilled up and warm. Had it with some fruit and greek yogurt and scrambled eggs.

Out to lunch with my friends. Got myself a Vietnamese chichen salad from m&s. Pretty scrumptious. :)

This was part of my dinner a couple of nights ago. I got some Shirakiku noodles from the local Korean shop, cooked them up in some Chicken Stock, soy sauce and I added in some chicken and peas.

Me and my friend last night, raving till the early hours. 

And me cooking pancakes after about 2 hours sleep :) haha... a bit dangerous.

Right, im off for some sleep. I'll update you soon.
Night :)
Maria xoxo


  1. Good luck with N and I hope it goes okay. It's good you can be honest with how you are feeling, even if it's just to yourself. If you really need to tell someone something and you are scared, have you thought about writing them a letter? I do that sometimes when I can 'say' what I really want to say and it really helps.

  2. Well done for being honest, and I know how hard it is to ask someone to take away your control...ED just doesn't want to let you. The whole situation is probably really difficult to deal with as a parent, and maybe he thinks if he comes down hard you will turn against him? Idk, but my mum was afraid to be assertive with me for this reason, but hopefully your appointment might help...

    I think I had to give away some of my control in order to recover, and hopefully when your mum returns she can resume this role? Talk to people, try and tell them what you need, where your ED might try and trip you up.

    There's lots of positives in here and you definitely have the strength and character to make recovery work. The right help and support will make this a certainty :-)

    Sarah x

  3. I'm sorry things have been so hard <3 and that your dad isn't being very helpful at the moment. It's great that you are planning to talking to your N about it, good luck with that. I know it's difficult but in a way this is good practise. The only person who can make your recovery work is you, in an ideal world there would be as much support as you need for as long as you need it, but in reality often people end up having to do it entirely by themselves. I agree with Sarah that you have the potential to do this, but I know how hard it is to consider doing anything differently when you're ill. It feels like you don't have a choice, like you HAVE to restrict or whatever. But you don't, it is possible to disobey the eating disordered thoughts and the healthier you get, the more you realise that it was only the eating disorder that wanted you to stay ill. Life outside of anorexia is worth all the stress and anxiety involved in recovering from it :)

    I hope your appointment goes well!