Thursday, 21 October 2010

Looking Back.

Hey Guys, how are you all ?

Wow, it’s been such a long time since my last post. I’ve really come a long way since then. I haven’t got the time to tell you all about it but I’ll give you a brief overview. (I apologize for the long post in advance). Back in February (when I was last posting) I was really not in a good place. Reading my old posts makes me sad, thinking about how much I was lying to myself. I was dangerously underweight, about BMI 14-15. I even lied about my weight, making up that the scales were wrong and I pretending was actually fine. Since then, I’ve gained over 10kg (22lbs) and I’m doing a lot better. I no longer need to be watched at meals (not for a long time), nor do I weigh all my food. I do still count calories and I’m working towards intuitive eating but I’m not so obsessive. If I’m offered a bit of cookie at school, I’ll eat it and forget about it. Not factor it in and way overestimate it as I would’ve done. I’m sad to admit I got a lot worse before I turned to corner. I narrowly avoided hospital but I’m embarrassed to say that was only due to water-loading. Once I started to gain weight properly life began to get a lot better. I was more involved in conversations; people began to include me because they liked me and not because they pitied me. In May-June I took my GCSE exams and whilst I was extremely stressed and lost a little weight I generally completed them in good spirits, and went on to have the most amazing summer.

During the summer I went to Australia with my dad and then my friend Grace and I went to France where we ate cakes and ice cream and generally acted like teenagers. I was the happiest I’d been in as long as I can remember. During the summer I gained the last 3kg that I needed to reach maintenance, something which I had been reluctant to do for the past month or so (I basically maintained at about 3kg below my goal for a few weeks). I got to my maintenance about 6 weeks ago and started school. Everything was going great; people said I looked fab, I received the most compliments I’ve ever received. But unfortunately it was not to last. A new girl at school who was developing an eating disorder came to me to ask for help. Unfortunately in doing so she tempted the anorexia that had been lying vaguely dormant for the past few weeks. It really hit me hard, scarily hard. I stopped eating, my intake dropped to below 100 calories a day and I began compulsively exercising again. In the space of 2 weeks I’d lost over 4kg and my treatment team were making arrangement for me to be admitted ASAP. Luckily, I managed once again to turn it around just on the brink of another admission.  I’m currently gaining back the weight I’d lost but I seem to be stuck. I’m finding it hard to break the 2000 calorie mark, and for the past 2 weeks I’ve been maintaining my weight. My treatment team are anxious for me to get back to where I was before my mini relapse and are pushing me to gain faster. I decided to start blogging again because I think I need to support and I enjoy the social side of it. I won’t be posting my eats today as my camera is out of battery and I can’t find the charger but I will be doing so very soon – so look out!

Just for comparison, this is what I look like now

Bye lovies <3

1 comment:

  1. I've only first started reading this blog but wow- you've come a long way. Sometimes other people with eating disorders who are deeply into them trigger us and it's really hard. But we can't let it get the best of us and we have to gain and move on from the experience. I'm glad you've decided to do the best thing for yourself(: When we have eating disorders, we never but ourselves first. It's time to put ourselves first and finally eat and be happy. We deserve it.